There are certain topics that bring out strong opinions almost immediately.
Motherhood is one of them.
And within that, breastfeeding seems to sit right at the center of what people think a “good mother” is supposed to do.
In this week’s Spill It, we got a question that I think a lot of women experience—but don’t always feel comfortable saying out loud.
A woman who is pregnant at 40 wrote in to say that she doesn’t want to breastfeed. Not because she can’t. Not because she hasn’t thought about it. Simply because it doesn’t feel right for her. And already, she’s feeling judged.
The question was direct: am I wrong?
And the answer was just as direct.
No.
What struck me about this conversation wasn’t just the question—it was how quickly something so personal becomes something public. The moment you say you’re not going to follow a certain path, people feel entitled to weigh in. They offer opinions, advice, warnings, sometimes even guilt.
But at the end of the day, this is not a group decision.
It’s yours.
We’ve created this idea that there’s a hierarchy to motherhood—that certain choices are inherently better, more committed, more loving than others. And breastfeeding often gets placed at the top of that list. It becomes less about feeding your child and more about what that choice is supposed to say about you.
That’s where things start to go sideways.
Because feeding your child is not about optics. It’s not about meeting someone else’s standard. It’s about making sure your baby is nourished, cared for, and supported.
Fed is fed.
That’s the reality.
And once you come back to that, a lot of the noise falls away.
We also talked about bonding, because that’s another place where pressure shows up. There’s a persistent belief that breastfeeding is what creates the connection between mother and child. And if you don’t do it, you’re somehow missing something essential.
But connection doesn’t come from one specific action.
It comes from presence.
It comes from consistency.
It comes from being there—day after day, moment after moment.
That’s what builds a relationship.
Not whether you breastfeed or use formula.
What I think is important to acknowledge is that this isn’t just about one decision. It’s about the pattern of pressure that shows up around motherhood in general. There’s always something you’re supposed to be doing. Something you’re supposed to be prioritizing. Some version of “better” that you’re expected to live up to.
And if you’re not careful, you can start making decisions from that place—from expectation instead of alignment.
That’s when things start to feel heavy.
Because you’re no longer choosing what works for you. You’re choosing what avoids judgment.
And those are not the same thing.
The truth is, every woman’s situation is different. Her body is different. Her life is different. Her capacity, her priorities, her experience—all of it is different.
So the idea that there is one correct way to do this doesn’t hold up.
What does hold up is this:
Are you making a decision that works for your life?
Are you able to care for your child in a way that is sustainable and supportive—for both of you?
If the answer is yes, then that’s enough.
More than enough.
If there’s one thing I would say to anyone in this position, it’s this: you don’t need permission to make a decision about your own body and your own child.
You don’t need to justify it.
And you definitely don’t need to carry someone else’s expectations into a moment that is already as significant as this one.
You get to decide.
And that decision doesn’t make you less of a mother.
It makes you one who is paying attention.
If you’ve ever felt pressure to make a decision that didn’t fully align with you—or questioned whether you’re “doing it right”—this conversation will give you a different perspective.
And if it resonates, share it with someone who might need to hear it.
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